Required Training for Cabin Crew

ATTN Executive Staff,

I recently returned home from my séjour around France, and while I was in Paris I caught a whiff of inspiration (aside from la noisette). I was sitting at this quaint cafe in the Latin Quarter, and just as I was biting into my pain au chocolat, my eyes locked on this incredible artiste de rue. While the crowds were gathering around the musicians and living statues, this artiste seemed to be performing just for me…and let me tell you, I have never seen such a talented mime.

The boxes he was trapped in! The ropes he struggled with! The doorbells he pressed over and over again!! Had I not known any better — I’d swear the invisible apple he was eating was literally invisible and that it was his actual lunch!

That afternoon Madison and I took in some local art in town (Le Louvre, definitely look it up if you get the chance to go), and we just could not stop talking about that artiste de rue. I barely even remember what we saw, but I remember they had incredible cheeses. The next day, while we were on a “les habitants seulement” Les Catacombes tour, I finally understood.

Before the end of the fiscal year, all cabin crew will be required to take 100 hours of mime training, and in the coming year our flight attendants will use those skills to communicate, instead of voices on all flights. I’m not saying that we’ll have fully made up mimes as flight attendants, but we’ll get pretty darn close (but maybe that idea is a couple years off once people get used to the idea of mime-adjacent flight attendants?).

We will be lucky enough to be working with the homme de l’heure himself, Gary Lefebvre —a man so dedicated to his craft that he didn’t speak a single word to me during negotiations (or doesn’t speak English… not sure). I’ve contracted with someone who is his manager or his girlfriend, and we’ll be housing them near our headquarters in Dubuque through the end of the year. (MarCom, this comes from your social budget).

As a taste, his manager, or girlfriend, told me first lessons will include:

Oxygen Masks
We’ve been talking for years about cutting the budgets for the safety announcements for years, but have always been stuck on those dang oxygen masks. Turning the whole thing into pantomime will really help us cut the cord, so to speak, from those oxygen masks.

Drink Orders
At one point I saw Gary interacting with this little girl, and he offered her two invisible flowers. Funnily enough, the one she chose squirted water in his face! Just think about how we can apply that concept to offering coffee, tea, alcoholic beverages, soda, water, bubbly water, and headphones. It gives me chills.

Conflict Deescalation
Speaking of alcohol, I told her that we’ve been having a serious conversation about angry drunk passengers causing issues, and that we’ve had a really hard time finding ways to come them down once they reach that state. After a long pause, she simply said, “Pas de problème”, so I am really excited for us to learn some new skills in deescalation!

Thanks everyone, I am thrilled for the next step in BrentAir Budget Regional’s ability to service the northern Midwest and western East Coast more efficiently and inspiringly, without losing sight of what’s really important —budget and overhead.

**Question for Accounting/HR, if we no longer require our cabin crew to speak, are we able to pay new hires less and freeze pay for our current team?

Let me know if you have any questions, but FYI I’m on my way to a cruise from Morocco, where I’ll be for the rest of the month, so slow on email.

— Brent

p.s. Everyone has to — HAS TO — ask Gary to see his baguette moves. Just shout, “La Baguette! La Baguette!” and he’ll know what you mean.

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