More about SAD.

SAD is an acronym that stands for seasonal affective disorder.

I am not diagnosed.

But the weather no doubt turns my brain off and on during certain times of the year. This light-switch like experience was nothing I had ever experienced prior to living in the Pacific Northwest, and growing up and attending college in Southern California, it was easily a disorder I swiftly skimmed over when reading the DSM-IV in all of my psychology courses.

I moved to Oregon in August. The sun gloriously stood in the sky, greeting me daily and I felt the elation of a new life in a new state. I was pregnant… so hormones. But I was excited. Moving means decorating and that was a distraction from dwelling on the fact that I just left my old life behind. So while I got lost in selecting a new sofa, throw pillows, and window coverings, the months began to pass and before I knew it, it was October.

I wandered into a shoe store in downtown Corvallis. I dumbly asked the owner if he thought I would need rain boots living in Oregon, all the while looking down at my flip flops. He looks at my shoes and then at me and calmly says, “Well it is going to start raining about October 15th and it isn’t going to stop until June… maybe even until the 4th of July.” So, yeah, I bought myself some hiking boots and galoshes. And went on my merry way. This is Oregon. It rains. I knew that.

But what I didn’t realize was that unlike the rain I had experienced once upon a time in Southern California, the rain isn’t a passing storm that lasts 1–3 days, and then disappears as quickly as it arrived. The rain in Oregon comes, and it’s like perpetually wet. The air is wet; like a mist… all-the-time. And it isn’t the rain, per say, that keeps me indoors or more honestly, in bed. For me, it’s the gray.

And when the gray rolls in, and never out again, I find myself maniacally scouring the internet for an affordable home on Zillow. And for months I will get into this psychotic ritual of punching in my 4-digit security code on my phone, immediately to Zillow, Redfin, Trulia, Hot Pads and through all the local real estate investors in Old Towne Orange seeing if anything new is posted. And I spend time, precious, precious time thinking about California and the sun and life back home. Other times I choose an object from back childhood— like a swimming pool, for example. Then I will try to remember every swimming pool I have ever been in. Those thoughts help me to remember long ago things and people. Those thoughts fill my mind with a vibrant color that magically removes the Oregon gray. I am not entirely sure this is the healthiest way to battle the depression or homesickness. I probably shouldn’t be spending hours searching the internet for some other life that I am not actually living. Or dwelling on my past life.

I am six years in. Possibly forever to go. How long can I sustain this kind of out-of-body or out-of-mind battle? Perhaps it is time to fully accept being an Oregonian? Maybe every time I meet someone and they ask me about myself I don’t lead with “I am from California.” In a desperate attempt to overcome SAD, I think what I really, really need to do is thank Oregon for what it gives me instead of focusing on what it takes away. And it is easy for me to say this right now because even as I type this I am sitting in a coffee shop and used book store, listening to Ella and Miles, and outside the sky is a delightful blue.

But what does Oregon give me?

Time with my kids.

Daily lunch with Dave.

A large yard — green all year long.

Thriving garden.

Rivers to walk.

Hills to climb.

Lakes to paddle.

Rocks to skip.

Mountains to explore.

People to meet.

And all the other things. It really does give me so much.

So while I am away from Oregon, I will let my heart long for it. I will not drive around pretending I can afford a house in North Tustin for 1.6 million. I will appreciate the time here and when it is time to go, I will go willingly and joyfully. Back to the rain and gray, yes. But also back to my husband and children and their laughter. Back to my warm home and a future filled with joy and peace in the Pacific Northwest.

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