Toxic Shame

How does unprocessed shame become toxic?

“You should be ashamed of yourself! “

Have you heard this phrase often growing up?

When it comes to shame and guilt, things are tricky. Are they “good” emotions, are they “bad” emotions? Certainly, they don’t feel good. As a country girl, the thing that pops into my head when I think about these feelings is a whip. Even the slightest whip stroke is extremely painful. And oh boy, isn’t that how shame and guilt feel?

Shame and guilt are two self-conscious emotions. They are called this way because they put you in the spotlight, making you feel suddenly aware of every move you make, the attitude you display, or the words you say.

Shame and guilt are often mislabeled. The fact that you can often feel both guilt and shame at the same time doesn’t make things easier either.

Guilt is the feeling of regret and remorse you experience when your actions caused hurt or harm to another person. You feel guilty when:

· You make a mistake;

· You do something you know you really shouldn’t;

· You intentionally or not cause harm to another being.

Shame is the feeling of inadequacy and humiliation one experiences when violates a social norm.

Shame and guilt have, like all other feelings and emotions on the spectrum, an adaptive purpose. They have the role of maintaining social norms. Through shame and guilt, young members of society are thought to respect the social norms and conventions found in the community.

The “forbidden” behaviors that trigger shame vary across cultures, so we know they are learned, not innate. But that feeling of mild shame, that mechanism for learning to regulate behavior so we can live communally, is universal in humans. You might even think of it as the beginning of the voice of conscience.

The fundamental message these feelings share is that certain behaviors can harm others and should not be repeated. When you feel guilty your first instinct is to repair the…

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