Penances for your Workplace Sins

If you are reading this, you have been reported for committing one of these workplace sins. And since flagellation is frowned upon in a corporate setting, please read and carry out these penances for your workplace sins.

Sinner, please perform a reverse foot baptism. That is, please dowse all surfaces your bare feet touched with Lysol. Then you will be forgiven.

To pay for this sin, you must remove the 1/! key from your keyboard in order to avoid future temptation.

Buy everyone donuts.

Atone for this sin by answering every question asked to you with a disclaimer. Say, “my answer may be inaccurate because everything I know is at least somewhat informed by bias, but…”

Since you believed it was necessary for all 100+ employees to see your laughing minions GIF response, you must repent and seek forgiveness from all 100+ employees individually.

You must use the designated “I’m a greedy, greedy caffeine guzzler” mug for all following cups of coffee. Use until a new sinner emerges.

Prove commitment and loyalty to the company by stapling your slacks to the office chair until end of day.

Janet needs a turkey sandwich, dammit. Plan it in advance ’cause Janet’s famished. Now she’s stranded and abandoned without a Turkey Tom. Please understand this commandment or we’ll call your Mom. Don’t get banished — order Janet some damn Jimmy John’s.

Receive a smack as loud as your mouth.

Go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself: “Who am I?” Really consider it. Return to work when you know.

Nancy’s face upon discovering her dead plants is your penance.

You must stand upon the highest perch in the office and proclaim “Brethren: forgive me. It was I who made the big sink stink.”

There is no greater sin. Pack your things.

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