Your body is your home

Your body is your home.
It’s always with you,
you can’t get rid of it,
your mind doesn’t belong,
anywhere else.

Home means different things,
to different people,
I didn’t know what home was,
until I was 13.
Living in 7 countries, in 13 years,
might do that.
Another move was coming.

I took myself to the elevator,
holding back tears,
I walked outside the apartment building,
I just ran.
I ran as hard and as fast, as I could,
tears streaming,
until I couldn’t run anymore.

When I stopped, I smiled.
This was the moment I found a home.
I felt alive.
It was the first time in a long time,
I felt alive.
It was the first time in a long time,
I didn’t self-harm.

I connected with what our bodies,
are designed for,
to move, to feel.

I started taking care of myself.
Getting out of my head,
into my body,
into my heart.
Movement is a portal,
to connect with yourself.

Since that day at 13,
I’ve done some form of exercise,
most days per week.
I was lucky,
at 13,
to find a way to regulate.
Regulate my thoughts,
Regulate my feelings.
Exercise can do that.
The way blood,
oxygen, endorphins,
Rush through you.
I stopped self-harming.

I went to university, studying exercise.
I started working at a university, sharing how,
connections, seen and unseen,
can improve people, places and things
Though.
Something was missing,
something didn’t click.
I wasn’t enjoying a sport,
I thought I loved.
I wasn’t enjoying a relationship where I thought I was,
in love.
I broke up with both.
The sport, and the relationship.
I stopped doing things I wasn’t enjoying,
but I spiraled.
I didn’t self-harm.
I thought about it, but I didn’t.
I still think about it.
But I don’t.

I did feel like shit,
though.
It was a long period of shit.
I also thought of something else.
Suicide.

You, or
your best friend,
will experience some form of mental ill-health in your lifetime.
Suicide,
is leading cause of death,
ages 15 to 44.
It’s the 5th leading cause of death,
For ages 1 to 14.
I was self-harming,
by the age of 11.

I’m am lucky,
when in those moments of,
shit,
I have had the capacity to act on,
what thoughts of suicide meant I needed to do.
I needed to reach out.
I needed to seek help.
Friends, family and professional help.

When I originally wrote this,
I said I was lucky,
Again.
But actually, I am privileged.
I had access,
I still have the access,
to seek help.
Not everyone does.
So reach out to others.

The first thing my psychologist and I discussed,
was the support network I had.
My parents live overseas,
when I talked to them,
I was scrolling through Facebook.
Every Sunday I had dinner,
with two of my closest friends,
phones at the table not really paying much attention.

“You do have a good support network,
but,
have you thought about,
how, you are connecting with them?”

I was talking to my friends, my family,
without paying attention.
I was distracted.
I was not present.
There wasn’t a connection.
I wasn’t connecting.

More sessions,
and,
slowly,
A switch flipped.

It’s all connected.
We are all connected, and we
can all connect.
If we are,
present.
More importantly,
we need to connect.

We need to connect,
with our body,
our home, gently,
through movement.
Our mind, with love,
reframing the way that we,
perceive things,
but most importantly,
we are social creatures.

We need to connect with each other,
and put energy into people.
What you put out,
you will receive back.

Your body is your home.
You belong in no place,
yet every place.
So, connect with yourself.
Connect with your body and your mind,
to build your home,
Connect with the environment,
our home thrives on,
the trees, the plants, the birds
to stay present, stay grounded
but,
connect with others to turn the lights on.
to keep the lights on,
And that is when you find your real power.

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