The Woman Who Gave Birth to My Daughters is Not Their Mother

The woman who gave birth to my twin daughters is a lot of things, but she is not their mother.

She is the woman who carried my baby girls in her womb and nurtured them when I could not. She is incredibly generous, kind, thoughtful, caring, and compassionate beyond measure. She is a woman with whom I am intimately bonded through the experience of giving my daughters life. She is now a treasured friend.

But, she is not my daughters’ mother.

If you ask her, she’d say the same. If you ask that question of any gestational surrogate, you’d get the same answer.

Gestational surrogates are not the mothers of the babies they carry in their wombs; they are not the mothers of the children they give birth to for the sake of the intended parents. What they do is a unique act which creates a unique relationship.

A gestational surrogate does not have any genetic or biological connection to the pregnancy she carries. An embryo created by two other people is placed in her womb to be given a chance at life. Sometimes the embryo is biologically the child of the intended parents. Sometimes one or both of the intended parents are unable to contribute biologically, so an egg donor or sperm donor is required. Sometimes it takes a whole team of people to bring a life into this world and complete a family.

In my own case, my husband and I went through the process of creating embryos to be stored for our future when, three months before our wedding day, I was diagnosed with cancer and told the treatments which could cure me would likely render me infertile. I did not cry when I was told I had cancer. I did not cry when I was told of the surgeries, treatments, and procedures I would soon undergo. I did not cry when I was told I would lose my hair, feel nauseous, fatigued, and suffer from a slew of side effects. But I cried when the doctor told me that I would likely be infertile. Then, I cried.

Luckily, my oncologist took notice of my reaction and sent me to speak with a reproductive endocrinologist, right away. The fertility…

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